Of Sheriffs & Queens
by ADropOfGlass
Summary: Parody, crack fic. A day in the life of Sheriff Emma Swan. Including all the tropes we know and love.
Emma guzzled another beer and rubbed her dick. She was watching women's wrestling on TV and truth be told it was turning her on. She considered rubbing one out when she looked up at the time. It was 5:00pm and she had told Regina she'd pick up Henry at 4:30 so she should probably get going now. She rolled her eyes thinking about. Jeez that kid was annoying. He was always talking about hope and shit and whining about his life. Emma barely thought of him as related to her, let alone as her son, but his mom was hot and she wanted to hit that so she put up with him and his fairy tale bullshit.

Ever since Emma was young she had a fetish for up tight women in business wear. She had fucked several of her foster mothers in the day to get over the urge but it never went away completely. Regina fit the bill perfectly and Emma couldn't wait to add her to her belt. It was even more then that now. Regina was the only person Emma ever loved. Everyone else was boring and too nice. Only Regina could offer the public humiliation and constant degradation that Emma craved so desperately.

She picked Henry up and dropped him off at Regina's. She had to resist the urge to hit him several times, especially when he complained about stupid teenage shit. She was glad when he left the car and thought about how much she couldn't wait until she had kids of her own with Regina. God, she'd love those kids so much because they would be half Gina and because of that perfect.

Gina (or Genie as Emma liked to call her) was so beautiful. With her caramel, coffee toned skin and her chocolate latte eyes. And her Black Forest cake hair. Just thinking about Genie, preferably in some kind of sexy maid outfit or maybe in a sombrero and sexy poncho, made her horny and a little bit hungry too. Hopefully she had cooked up something nice for her to eat.

Just as she got out of the car her parents called and she groaned. These losers again. They were even worse then Henry. They had probably called to try to convert her to Mormonism again or maybe, even worse, to try and get her to visit them.

"Hey Emma. How are you? I haven't seen you in a while." Said Mary Margaret.

"What do you want, Snow White? Are you just calling to shame me about my lesbian life again? God you and dad are so homophobic." Emma said.

"No, sweetie. I just wanted to tell you that there has been a fight at the Rabbit Hole. Your father has been seriously injured."

"I am about to see my wife. You know the woman you made the Evil Queen? So could you, like, hurry this up?"

"Sure, honey. You don't have to come see him if you don't want to but could you go to the Rabbit Hole and arrest the offenders, please?" God. She was the worst.

"ALL YOU EVER SEE ME AS IS THE SAVIOR. Why won't you let me live my own life?"

"Honey, I am sorry. It's - just. It is your job." She said, homophobically.

"Whatever. You're just trying to keep me and Regina apart." Emma replied, seeing through Snow's evil scheme. She slammed the reject button down.

Everyone in this town, especially her parents, was so annoying. She wondered if Regina would be alright with leaving? Ugh but then she'd have to road trip with Henry. And anyway, if she and Regina left the town would probably fall apart, everyone else not being super awesome, magical enough to accomplish anything.

She started the car and made her way to the bar. When she got in her first order of business was to buy a drink. Not something girly or pathetic like a vodka or a glass of wine. Something as manly as she was. Beer.

She sculled it down and looked around the room. In the corner she spotted Hook, her ex. He was with a girl obviously trying to rape her like he always was. They had broken up after he attempted to rape her the third time and then she had given up on men completely.

"Hook. I am arresting you. For rape."

"You can't arrest me, Swan. I'll rape my way out of the handcuffs." He then ran out of the bar and Emma shot at him three times. When she saw him fall to the ground she put her gun back into the holster and ordered another drink. Being sheriff was hard work.

She noticed Robin Hood sitting next to her at the bar. He looked terrible. His beard had grown out, he was wearing rags and his eyes were bloodshot. Emma had heard that he sold Roland to Rumplestilskin a while ago so he could buy more alcohol. She could understand. Losing Ginie would make anyone an alcoholic, loser.

"Robin did you start the fight that happened here?"

"Yeah I did. I was cold and poor and fighting keeps you warm."

"I am going to have to arrest you."

"Okay but tell me one thing. How is Regina? Does she still smile like a thousand suns?"

"Oh, Robin. She doesn't want you. You have a penis and Regina doesn't like those anymore. But look, I know losing her must have been hard so I won't arrest you. Instead I am going to set you up with someone,who will love you as much as Regina loves me."

She wrote down the name and number of Zelena, Regina's sister and handed. The man smiled.

"Thank you Emma. I didn't realize how much Zelena loved me before but now I see it. I am going to call her and put my life back together."

Emma nodded her head. Reuniting lost loves and making sure families stayed in tact was just another task in the long day of the savior. She stepped over Hooks bleeding corpse and made he way home. Finally she'd get to spend time with her wife.

At the mansion Regina was listening to classical music, reading poetry and crying tragically over one of her past misfortunes. Because she was so strong she wiped her tears when she saw Emma.

She was wearing a light blue sundress and heels that Emma couldn't have dreamed of wearing. Emma could feel herself getting hard just looking at her.

"Emma. I am ever so glad that you have returned home to me." Said Regina.

"Fuck, babe. You know I would never leave you."

"Emma, language. You know my delicate ears can not hear such things."

"I know. You're so refined, while I am just a simple uncouth, peasant."

"Well not everyone can be a Queen like me. I came home earlier to make your favourite. Lasagna."

Henry walked into e dining room.

"Mom that is what you make every night."

Emma fumed. What an ungrateful brat.

"Shut up you, little shit. In the foster system we were fed one bowl of gruel for breakfast lunch and dinner and when I asked for more I was sold to an undertaker. Eventually I had to join a crime gang to survive the harsh streets of London. You should thank god you have a goddess for a mother who makes you lasagna."

"Ma, that's the plot of Oliver Twist." Henry said.

"Are you calling me a liar?"

Regina looked on with tears in her eyes. She hated fighting. It scared her and made her feel so helpless.

"Emma please. I know Henry turned out be dreadfully spoilt, despite my best guidance, but please don't yell. I love both of you and watching you fight it makes me so sad. Let's just eat."

A single tear fell down her cheek. It was beautiful. Emma smiled lovingly at her. Henry did he same. They were both so lucky to have her in their lives. They sat down and ate and Regina was happier then ever to be surrounded by her family.


End file.
